Well lets see if I can make it without her here.

My wife left about an hour ago for school and training in another state, she will be gone at the least 2 1/2 a months but it could be longer. I am going to miss her. Last night it was bad. One second of the night it was hard to remember why I should live. Wishing someone would take away that part of me. It scares me. It really does. That I have to fight myself for an hour at times to stay alive. The only thing that keeps me alive is that I refuse to move. I refuse to act upon anything, no matter how much I wish it could all go away. It hurts. Counseling should start soon and I know I really need it. More than anyone knows.

The thought of complete utter darkness at times is all I want. The thought of pills in the kitchen and the water in the tub make me relaxed. That scares me. I have to make my son proud. I have to be there for my wife. I have to see her through the transition so she can finally be herself.

It’s gone too far.